So, This One Time.....: Dreams...they're not always what you think they are..

I've been giving a lot of thought lately, to why am I here? You know, what's my purpose? What's that thing that I've always wanted to do, more than anything else?

I had always thought the answer would have something to do with horses. You see, for as long as I can remember I've been completely horse crazy. All I ever wanted when I was a young girl was a horse, then I got a horse and I just wanted to ride, I got a little older and the horse started to become a vehicle. A means of moving toward a dream, where could the horse take me? The obvious answer was horse shows. I did some of those, I won some stuff. Ribbons and a reserve champion jacket (that's like a second place overall kind of thing) It was in trail ( kind of like an obstacle course...my horse was super good at those)...That was Esprit, she was a lease horse for a summer. That summer would become a time I look back at as the best summer of my life. I was 26. In a strange way she introduced me to my husband. Who later would introduce me to our son. Who would make me start really questioning things. And we all know that without questions there can be no answers. I stopped showing horses at the end of that summer, and bought a weanling (baby) for an incredibly high price...what can I say? The guy saw me coming. That horse would be the source of some surprising dates when Gary and I were still getting to know each other. She still recognizes him as the guy who should hold the treat bucket, and that was almost 13 years ago. The plan had been to put her in training and show her when she was older....oh the glory of dreams. Training a horse is expensive stuff, showing one is even more. The horse got training, with a huge error in judgement on my part that led me to a trainer who was pretty much a swindler. Then, with the help of some wonderful friends, Audrey became a pretty sweet pony. She's great on trails (the mountain kind) even pretty fun on the obstacle course kind in the pen where she lives. But, there is no show ring in our lives. She's amazing and trustworthy and I've put Neil on her back more than once...there's something to be said for a horse trustworthy enough for your child.

Found It!! Don't they make the most perfect pair?

I've regretted and mourned the loss of the show days, and at times felt like that was what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I've been angry at the finances and the place in life that won't let it happen. I've done a hundred 'what if's and 'if only's. I've beaten my head on the wall and shed many tears. I've ignored my horse for what has felt like entire summers, just because I didn't know where this dream was leading me anymore. You see there's a huge shift in things when you have to redefine your dreams. And for somebody who has never been good at change, it's left me reeling. So, I've been questioning lately, just what is it that I'm supposed to be doing? The answer is really quite as clear as the nose on my face. I'm a mother and a wife, and that's really what I've wanted all along. The first horse that touched my heart (Stormy) and made me long for a horse of my very own someday. That first horse that was my very own (Moonshine), the horse that gave me hours upon hours of rides and smiles (Toe) and became the vehicle to move toward my dream. The horse that introduced me to that dream and gave me the confidence to chase after it (Esprit) and now the horse that is a part of that dream (Audrey). Horses have very much been central to the dream and at the very core of who I am, but they have not been the answer. I need to remember that. They have given my life meaning and they have given my life grace. They have given me the power to dream and the smiles that come with dreaming, but they have not been the dream. Gary and Neil, that dream is you.